I can never fall for it; in fact, in my own diary it does not exist. Some say it can be found but in my opinion I thought it was never possible. In this time that men call darkness, light; lust, love; foolishness, wisdom; I thought original was out of place.
Personally, I had lost my heart to the rhythm of loneliness- I fell in love with loneliness. I had lost my feelings to the reasons of self-satisfaction. My heart was dampened by mere wishes of when my emotion would be in motion and it looked as if eternity held the answer as per the time.
What can make me scared of heights if on top of the Everest my heart still beats at normal rhythm? What can make me envy beauty, make me believe that two is better than one; in fact, “Am I actually alone?” Sometimes I wonder because loneliness proved to actually be the best of friends I could ever get.
“Describe the beauty of your best friend to me” someone once asked. And in my mind I would say “What a beauty indescribable even by the poetic lines of Williams Shakespeare, what an image unpaintable by the brush of Leonardo da Vinci and what a character unspeakable even in the sight of God!”
All friends thought they could help their lost friend- Nelson, to break the bond between him and loneliness; some came with flimsy reasons, and what was their reason? They said my best friend was just a fantasy- a beauty existing only in the infatuation of the mind, a character that is only attainable by no one and a beauty attainable only by angels! Within my heart, I had no doubt I was on the right track because I saw no reason for another, of course there is no place for another!
This has been the state of my mind ever since I grew up. I grew up never ‘fallable’ to another’s love- of course that is promiscuity! I never searched for another for the obvious reason that there is no another and no one better than my sweetheart- loneliness. In fact I was not just in love but I was also lost in my thoughts of hooking her for life. In loneliness I found the best of friends.
“God could hold the answer to my quest” I thought but “Am I actually searching for something?” “Leave me alone let me live my life the way I think is best” I told every other person that came trying to show a proof that he/she is better. The irony is that the closer they try to get, the farther my heart tends towards them.
One day I was ambling down a close with my best friend when I stumbled (Did I just say stumble?) at an awesome sight. One good thing about her (my darling) is that she is not possessive. I almost lost control, in fact I had already planned in my mind to walk up to her and chat her up. My heart felt I have seen something extra-ordinary, something better than all I’ve ever seen or could ever imagine to see. Trying to be ‘a man’ was the mistake I made. Did I just say ‘the mistake’?
That day passed ceremoniously but right in my mind has already been printed an image that is never erasable- her beauty, the coordination, her decency and … The more I fought the feelings of my heart, the more I lost the battle. I was just imagining how I could just see that face again. For those years of searching for this angel, I was never satisfied and complete again. I believed on that first and only day that she was mine. A week passed bye like years, and then a month like a decade and then came a year like a century… waiting for when I will have the opportunity to express the feelings right in my heart.
“Could this actually be love?” I asked my self expecting no one else’s answer. One day the unexpected happened. Suddenly, I was face to face, one on one with her, “Dream or reality?” I asked my self. I was shocked by the latter but the possibility of the reality of the latter made me believed it was the former. “Hi”, I heard from a voice that made me lost my breath. I have for years been a rugged guy, characterized by Napoleonic doggedness; unmoved by tears and unshaken by care. I was without a heart and many did not make a mistake when they said I was heartless! As for this one, my heart of stone melted like wax and my frosted mind got inflamed, my emotion set in rapid motion. My face turned pink- I blushed, lost boldness. ...To be continued